straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
You Might Also Like
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.