I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
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Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Canadian owl: Eh?
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.