Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
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girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”