*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
You Might Also Like
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Not now. I’m deglazing.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.