awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
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Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Safety first
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.