The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
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“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?