Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
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Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Strangers have the best candy.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”