Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
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Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
i want to work in this restaurant
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”