Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
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Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist