“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
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Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.