Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
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The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans