TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
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If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Boom, boom, ching!
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!