I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
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Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
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Uncertain:
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Just married:
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Pregnant:
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Dead:
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Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what