If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
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“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
How animals would run if they were human
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB