Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
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[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah