The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
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Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.