Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
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Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.