Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
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I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
oh my gosh!!
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Canadian owl: Eh?
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.