[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
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BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Seems kinda suspicious
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Morning.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.