If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
You Might Also Like
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Fiction has to make sense.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK