Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
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Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
what’s the point then??
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST