The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
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what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Try and stop me.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.