Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
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i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
And now we wait
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?