Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
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I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃