I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
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Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”