Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
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It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats