[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
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Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”