No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
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wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
I have a place for everything. The floor.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done