[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
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Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.