My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
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Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?