I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
You Might Also Like
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school