i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
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[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
My daily affirmation
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”