Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
You Might Also Like
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *