I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
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Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.