I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
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Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
oppen heimer style lol
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.