I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
You Might Also Like
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.