security at the airport getting more straightforward
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We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.