Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
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*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.