My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
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[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed