I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
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Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
who will stop them
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
bro what is going on at twitter
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby