Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
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Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Whoa 😂
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.