I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
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Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
What flavor cupcake are these
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
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