Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
You Might Also Like
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
I am all good here, 😂😉
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.