Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
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ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
“what that mouth do?” complain
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
u guys got any snacks onboard here
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me