Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
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Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?