If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
You Might Also Like
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
I put the h in mysterious.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.