Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
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Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Did my cat write this
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.