cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
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Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
This is my favorite one of these!
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok