Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
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If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
all year 14 has said he hasn鈥檛 had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let鈥檚 go with that.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn鈥檛 it?
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
felt that
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Classic German Shepherd 馃槀
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.