Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
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Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?